The Things I’m Still Learning to Say

The question remains, how to move forward while respecting the past? I’m sure the ones who loved and left me will never read this, yet the fear of retaliation against me for my truth, has led to more deleted posts than active conversations. It is hard to have people turn on you and say awful things about you. Even if most of the people who know you don’t know a thing about it, its the things that on my heart most because it is the most recent wound that is not yet healed. I  know that I  am not over what happened with the men I  loved.  I  still do not have clarity or closure to what happened between many entanglements of love, but something I  do know… each one was real to me, just as the worth of each man.

It can be hard opening up. Not knowing who is going to read this or how much they know about me. So let me put it in short. I  was raised an Air Force BRAT and served in the United States Marine Corps. For most of my life I  have lived in shame about being a gay man, while more than a handful other times I've raised to great heights and was adored for my diversity. Yet, I've longed to be loved, and I'm grateful for the way in which my family and community does love me, and… there is a love I've felt that transcends all levels of social normality. Partnership has long been where I  find myself thrive the most. So, while I  collaborate with friends, a part of me still yearns for the love I  had and that slipped away.

And I'm not just talking about the most recent one, or the longest relationship one, or the first crush, or my last crush…. It literally is a culmination of all the greatest aspects of all of them. Might be why God is taking so long guiding the right one into my path, or perhaps he has guided us together and were just still on our way home to one another. Either way, my heart carries deep appreciation and reverence for the way that my love has been shaped by these men. Each brought a new level of perspective, of self identity, of personal ability, and of Soverign choice to open yourself to love. Even if it took us time to figure out that we were friends, there are still a handful of men who think of me before they go to bed.

I  know that my fears are worthy. I  know that for some reason a part of me still does not feel worthy of the blessings I  have and honestly part of me is just confused about which gifts I'm supposed to activate and which I'm supposed to learn from. Once you go on the Shamans Journey to find yourself you never actually finish it. There is always integration, there is always a remembrance and sometimes even a reemergence of past energy that excites and frightens us. At least that is what I've seen. No matter how many times I  process, purge, grieve and forgive this most recent circumstance, I  can’t seem to let him and his children go. The friends and community we all built together…

Being an outsider has always taught me a lot. I  have always been loved and hated by many as I  was a controversial conversation piece for the high and mighty and faint at heart. Yet, what people don’t know is that most of the stories they heard aren’t true. When they heard and saw what I  did they made a judgment off me, and instead of talking to me, they sat in circles and talked about me. Creating stories from the 3 years we were together and writing my reputation out of the equation. It hurts to be the public target of such a homophobic group. It is hard to be a gay person in a straight world, witnessing love that feels like it could be yours, but realizing its too insecure to actually love you.

I  understand love and hate are two sides of the same coin. Where there is hate, there was once love. Hate is taught and love is forgotten. For a time at least. I  feel like this could be my time to start opening up about some of the things I've been through. Then I  also think that this could be a good time to lay low and keep my thoughts to myself. And while I've typed something for you to read this definitely doesn’t tell you the true story. I  think I'm afraid of telling the true story because I'm affraid of speaking my truth and someone receiving it in the wrong way and then it being used against me. I  don’t want to steak negatively about anyone, yet there are a handful of negative things that happened to me.

From those things that happened to me, in lew of someone else being involved, I  learned a valuable lesson about how to love myself and how to find appreciation for the experience that I  was able to have with that person. Even if there is something that was a catalyst of self reflection that caused me pain, it came into my life to teach me something about myself, about other people and about love. I  will say that I  do feel extremely fortunate to be able to feel love. Even if things have changed with many of you who are no longer active parts of my life, I  reflect on the beautiful moments that built us, not what broke us. I  am not resentful to anyone, I  just think I've resented myself and it's been hard to reach out.

I  spend time alone, with my family and close friends. I  go to work, I  go to Integration dinner and the studio to do breathwork. I  take my dog out and I  smoke spliffs. I  sit and wait, and I  don’t share anything becasue I'm not sure if it actually mattes to anyone. And then I  remember that sharing was always more about being a form of sharing for the sense of liberation and connection because more often than not, someone would relate to something I  had shared and it was something that created a new link between us. I  think that I've not received much feedback or recognition in the past for my struggles or my achievements. So, though I  seek validation, even more than that, I  want to feel free.