I'm Going Home - September 18, 2023

Hey ex wife,

After connecting with myself and taking some time to really listen, I’ve decided that I’m going to go home to Florida tomorrow rather than come to the retreat.

By now, I think it’s clear that I will go very far for the people I love. I’ve changed plans, rearranged my life, and put myself in uncomfortable situations because I wanted to support the people who matter to me and feel that my presence had value.

Of course I want to show up for you and the kids. Of course I want to show up for Mai Taeo.

But it is also very clear to me that my own family needs me right now, and that I need to show up for them... and for myself.

I’m redefining what service means to me and examining why I show up the way I do.

Taking care of the kids has always meant a great deal to me because I have loved them with the tenderness I would give my own family. In many ways, I approach the people I love as family. That is one of the most beautiful things about me, but I’m also realizing that without boundaries, that same quality can lead me to overextend myself.

I came here partly to confront my impulsivity... the part of me that feels something deeply and immediately acts on it, even when doing so puts my heart, stability, or well-being in a compromised position.

And that has forced me to ask a harder question:

Why am I showing up?

The truth is that I fell in love with Mai Taeo.

Until very recently, I would have said that I was still actively in love with him. But he has communicated, in different ways and at different times, that he is not moving forward with me romantically. His actions have often left me feeling as though I am sacrificing large pieces of myself for very small pieces of connection.

I have to listen to that.

Yesterday, one message from him awakened so much hope in me that I allowed it to carry more meaning than the weeks of distance and silence surrounding it.

I recognize that pattern now.

And I think it is time for me to release the story I have been holding onto.

There is another truth I want to acknowledge:

I love you too.

You are a woman I consciously chose to love.

Knowing you has expanded the ways I understand intimacy, partnership, femininity, service, and family. At different points, you have felt like a partner to me too.

You, Mai Taeo, the kids, your family, your creativity, your music, and what you all have built have inspired me enormously.

But I have reached the limit of showing up without knowing where I actually belong.

I don't want to arrive only when there is suddenly a need.

I want to be included in the vision.

Included in the conversation.

Included in the plan.

I want someone to say, “Arizona, I want you here,” rather than simply realizing that I can help once support is missing.

I know the kind of love I have to offer.

And since losing my Chris Charming, I have spent years trying to find a romantic love that meets me with the same depth, devotion, tenderness, and intention that I naturally offer.

For a long time, the vision of creating a family with you and Mai Taeo lived enormously inside my heart.

Parts of that vision probably always will.

But the reality I have to accept is that I do not consistently feel fully seen, chosen, or respected for everything I am and everything I bring.

Acknowledging that doesn't diminish my love for you.

It sets me free.

Because otherwise I could spend the rest of my life collecting edges of love... receiving just enough connection to remain hopeful while continually negotiating which parts of me are acceptable.

I don't want to live like that anymore.

I am tired of trying to fit myself into other people's boxes.

And for the first time in a while, I am beginning to experience environments where belonging does not feel like something I constantly have to earn.

Love is taking new forms in my life.

Right now, one of those forms needs to be self-love expressed through action.

I am continuing to align my life with the partnership and family I hope to build someday. I want a home. I want stability. I want creativity. I want partnership. I want children and community around me. I want to raise my kingdom with someone who is equally ready to choose it with me.

And because of all of that, I am going home.

Not because I'm angry.

Not because I want to punish anybody.

Not because I am trying to make you or Mai Taeo chase me.

And not because the love was false.

I'm going because, for perhaps the first time in a very long time, I am taking everyone's actions seriously... including my own.

I'm listening to Mai Taeo.

I'm listening to you.

I'm listening to my family.

And I'm listening to myself.

There may absolutely be a time when we serve, create, laugh, make music, or build something together again.

I hope there is.

But I don't want my absence to become a test of whether someone finally recognizes my worth.

I want the next chapter of our relationship... whatever form it takes... to exist because we mutually choose one another, not because anyone becomes afraid of losing someone.

So perhaps the question is no longer:

What if you never saw me again? Would you finally realize what I meant to you?

Maybe the healthier question is:

If we meet again, will we meet each other differently?

Will we know what we value?

Will we communicate it?

Will we choose it consciously?

Will there be room for all of us to exist without anyone having to disappear in order to be noticed?

I don't know the answers yet.

And for once, I don't need to.

I'm on a new journey.

And right now, that journey is taking me home.

I love you.

I love the kids.

I love Mai Taeo.

And I love myself enough to know when it is time to go.

The Beautiful Story Never Told, Jo He and Mai Taeo

"And so I begin"